When Someone Is Always There, Don’t Forget Their Worth!

Sometimes the people we take for granted aren't the ones who mean the least to us—they're the ones we're so certain will always be there.

Here is a subject near and dear to me. Maybe because I have recently done this exact thing in my life. Taken for granted the relationships in my own life. I have recently hurt someone and I have recently been hurt too. So I can actually say that I can understand both points of view. I was on the receiving end of the hurt and then I was on the hurting side of the receiver. If that makes any sense. We all make mistakes. We say things we wish we could take back. Heck, I feel like I do this a million times a day. We react out of anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Sometimes we don't even realize how deeply our actions have affected someone until afterward. Until they let us into their world and see what our actions have done. And believe me, looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes is a real humbling thing to do. Because maybe, just maybe, you don’t really want to know how much of a jerk you were in a scenario.

But the important thing to do is to be able to say I’m sorry. However, sometimes your I’m sorry is not received well. Why? Well maybe, just maybe it is because you’ve said it before. Again and again and again. Maybe the other person doesn’t believe that your I’m sorry actually means just that. So where can you go from there?

Here’s where you need to face some difficult realities, There comes a point when an apology, no matter how sincere, begins to lose its meaning if nothing changes afterward. And that is where things can get tough. Because for the life of you, you don’t want to hurt someone you love. Never, never. And you may even promise yourself that it will be different this time and you are not going to do it again. But then it happens, again.

Your good intentions? Well they aren’t enough.

Why? Well think about it. Real change, I mean the real stuff, the real change, begins when we stop focusing only on how badly we feel afterward and start paying attention to what happens before we make the same mistake again. Sometimes we need to be more present. Heck, I know that I need this more than anything. I need to be more present.

So how? How can we change?

Find the Pattern

If you find that you keep hurting someone in the same way, ask yourself what happens right before it. Are you angry? Do you feel ignored? Are you afraid of being rejected? Do you become defensive when someone tells you that you've hurt them? Do you shut down instead of communicating? This one is probably absolutely me right here. Do you say things in the heat of the moment that you regret later? Do you think before you talk or do you assume the person will forgive you because they always have before?

Sometimes we spend so much time regretting our behavior that we never actually study it. Change requires us to recognize the pattern.

So think about this. And really give it some time. Instead of simply saying to yourself, “I won't do it again,” ask yourself, “What am I going to do differently when I find myself in that situation again?” I think too often when we are in this situation, we think, hey I am in a bad situation and you think, what am I going to do to get out of it. But we don’t spend enough time in the moment pondering what got us there and how can we not get there again?

And when you ask yourself this, you need to think very specifically about how you are going to answer that. What are some things I could do differently than I have before?

Could I?

Walk away for a minute to get my bearings. Maybe don’t send that angry, nasty text message that you wrote in the moment and you don’t actually mean. Maybe you could even just say, “Hey I am very angry right now and I am trying to process my thoughts and how I even got here, can we please get together after I have come up with where to go next.” Or maybe, and this one is really tough…Maybe you listen instead of immediately defending yourself and maybe you stop trying to prove that you didn't mean to hurt them and start acknowledging that you did.

Intent and Impact Are Two Different Things

One of the hardest lessons in relationships is realizing that we can hurt someone we love without intending to. “I didn't mean it that way” or “I didn’t mean to do that.” may be so true. But you can still hurt a person. Sometimes we become so focused on explaining our intentions that we accidentally dismiss the other person's feelings.

Instead of immediately defending yourself, try saying:

“I didn't intend to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I want to understand why this hurt you so I can do better.”

That doesn't mean accepting blame for something you didn't do. It means being willing to listen when your actions have affected someone you care about.

When someone repeatedly tells us what hurts them, eventually we have to listen. They shouldn't have to explain the same pain ten different ways before we decide it matters. And they shouldn't have to reach their breaking point before we finally take them seriously.

If someone you love keeps saying, “This hurts me,” don't wait until they're exhausted, distant, or ready to walk away before deciding to change.

“Sometimes the strongest people are the ones we accidentally take for granted because they've forgiven us so many times.” But forgiveness isn't an unlimited permission slip. So what comes next?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

It doesn’t matter how many times you say you didn’t mean to hurt someone, how many times you apologize, or how many promises you make that it will never happen again. If there is no real change behind those words, eventually the apologies and promises begin to lose their meaning if there is no changed action behind the words.

They need to see it, see the change. And this, my friend, will take time. Old patterns will need to change to new patterns. And when you find yourself falling into an old pattern, you need to catch yourself and do something differently. This will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. Especially when they notice the change in you. And remember that this will take time. It will not happen overnight. So you will need to be patience with the process.

Don’t Wait Until Someone is Gone, Before Realizing Their Worth

If you are going through a situation and find yourself at the this point, don’t walk away and don’t let the other person walk away. Understand that there is nothing that you can’t work out if you both are willing to try. But don’t forget that even the most patient, there for you person may find themselves at the end of their rope. Don’t assume that just because they have always forgiven you in the past and you have moved on, that this will be the case every time. There may come a day when “I'm sorry” isn't enough—not because they stopped loving you, but because they finally realized that loving you shouldn't require continually being hurt by you. So if there's someone in your life who has continued to love you, forgive you, encourage you, and stand beside you, don't wait until they're walking away to recognize what you've had all along. Appreciate that person, love them back, and cherish what you have with them. Life is short and hard. And we need all the help along the way with who is willing to stick with us through thick and thin.

Show them something different. Because one of the greatest ways we can show someone that we understand their worth is by caring enough to change the behaviors that keep hurting them.